Interesting article in the New York times about Dr. Harvey Karp’s novel approach for dealing with toddler tantrums. The key point is to let the toddler know that you understood him by repeating back what you got from what they said. In other words, giving your WIG (what I got) works–even with toddlers.

The example given is that if a toddler is repeatedly saying “I want a cookie, I want a cookie, I want a cookie” then jumping right to an explanation of what he can’t have a cookie doesn’t work.

Why? My guess is that it’s because the child is still too anxious, too worked-up to hear anything substantive.

The alternative is to give the WIG, for instance “Oh, so you want a cookie? You want a cookie? You want a cookie?” which the article says will help the child to “get it” that their message was heard, and thus calm down. And then once the child calm’s down, then an explanation might be more likely to be heard.

Let’s assume that Dr. Karp is onto something. If so it strikes me that here we have the familiar “hill of anxiety”: when a distressed speaker is climbing the hill, he can’t hear anything new. It’s only once he comes down from that hill that a more logical conversation can happen.

And thus as a listener–the best thing I can do is be present, be calm, and WIG.

Technically, silence is pretty simply. It’s just the absence of sound. But the more interesting question is “what does that silence actually mean?”

One the one hand, it can mean “I don’t have anything more to say.” This is the readiest assumption for listeners, but it’s a dangerous one. Why? Because then as the listener I’m tempted to fill in that space, when in fact the silence could mean many other things. 

A second meaning could be “I’m self-conscious about taking all of the air space,” or on a related note, “I don’t know if you’re actually interested to hear this.” Thus the speaker isn’t done yet, and has more to say, but is being conscious of the listener, and could use some reassurance to go on. In which case simply sharing a little piece of “what I got” can encourage the speaker to continue.

And then a third and crucial meaning could be “I’m taking a moment to think about this as I talk.” As a Supportive Listener, if the speaker is pausing to think then this is great news. We are indeed facilitating the speaker’s wisdom and intelligence to solve their problem. Thus it is more critical than ever to not interrupt here, but to just wait.

Thus it brings up a good question, “How do you know which kind of silence it is, and when to wait, and when to jump in?” Frankly it’s more of an art than a science, and over time you’ll develop at sense for it.

Here are a few tips to get you going:

• The next time you’re in conversation with someone, make a point of paying attention to their silences. Which type is it?
• Wait a little longer than you normally would, and see if the person naturally continues their thought, or goes onto something different. You’ll be amazed and how often they were actually just thinking!

and a bonus tip: What do you habitually do when the speaker stops talking, even briefly? Do you jump in? Do you tense up? Do you hang back?

 Towards the end of a recent workshop, a participant asked if the principles of Supportive Listening could be applied toward the self. That is, can I come to accept my own experiences as valid and legitimate, without judging, while maintaining a positive regard and care for myself.

What an insightful observation. Yes, in my experience, this change in attitude to myself follows from developing a habit of applying this attitude to others. At least for me, changes of this kind often start on the outside and progress inward. As I learn to accept others and support them in their experiences, I also learn to do this for myself.

Paul and I sometimes say that practicing Supportive Listening is a way of being a good friend. It’s encouraging for me to realize that we can also learn to be good friends to ourselves…

I recently got a call from a friend who leads a professional association. She had just been through a tough experience and wanted to talk about it. Sometimes leadership isn’t pretty, and she just seen that firsthand.

She talked for awhile about what had just happened, and how she was doing, and then she stopped rather abruptly and said, “What are your thoughts on this?” I was about to share my thoughts, but my intuition said that something didn’t really add up. My sense was that she had more to say.

And so rather than “taking the mic,” I handed it back to her and said, “Well I’m wondering how you’re doing with all that’s gone on.” And with that she picked right up, and talked further about the situation in her thoughts and feelings about it.

In retrospect, I’m guessing that when she said, “What are your thoughts on this?”  what she really meant was, “I’ve been talking for a while, and I wonder if you want to talk now.” In other words she was being polite in turn taking, and offering me to take a turn. And as an attentive supportive listener, I had the wherewithal to see that she actually had more to say, and I gave her the space to say it.

The take away for me is that when somebody says to me, “What do you think?” it’s worth handing “the mic” back to them once or twice to see if they actually have more to say. Often they do.

A few months ago, I got in a minor traffic accident. Although there wasn’t much damage, I was feeling rather shaken.I called Eran to talk, and within a few minutes of talking with him, I felt much better.

The strange thing is that even though he didn’t say much, I came out of the conversation calm and clear on what to do next. How did he do it?

In this video, I give an introduction to Supportive Listening through a 5 minute story about that experience.

video: Supportive Listening after a fender-bender

I had a fun experience yesterday which I thought would be nice to share. I was driving back home with my girlfriend, and was trying to figure out my plans for the next day.

We had rented a car for the weekend, and planned on my returning the car on Monday. As it happened, I had a few meetings scheduled for Monday, and I wasn’t quite sure how I’d fit in the car return. I’ve been thinking about it on occasion throughout the weekend, and had some vague notions of how it could be done – but no concrete plan.

And there we are, driving along, when suddenly I remember that I need to return the car tomorrow, and I have lots of meetings, and I’m not sure how to do it. So I ask Rachel if she would mind helping me plan the logistics for tomorrow and Rachel, being her sweet self, says that she’d be glad to.

So I describe my day to her, then tell her when I need to return the car, then suggest a possible plan, realize there’s a glitch in it, offer an alternative, explore it, realize it’s gonna word, and before I know it I’m thanking Rachel for helping me figure it out. At this point I continue to drive in silence for a few seconds, a bit surprised and more than a bit pleased about how the conversation went. The whole thing took about a minute, but suddenly here was the plan I’ve been trying to form over the entire weekend.

Having an attentive listener can do incredible things. As a speaker, I found that my thinking became much clearer, much more focused and more concrete. And, before I knew it, I had come up with my own solution to a problem that has been bugging me for a few days.

Could I have done that on my own? Probably. But the fact is that I didn’t – even though I had many opportunities to. I only figured out what to do, and how to do it, while talking with Rachel.

Thanks, Rachel. 🙂

So next time You’re having a hard time nailing down the concrete details of a plan, try finding a patient friend, and just talk it through. Good things happen.

– Eran

Earlier this month I was at a branding workshop with Dick Brusso of “Heard Above the Noise.” He had a simple and yet powerful way of helping people discover the “brand” within them.

One of the people Dick worked with in front of the group was a lady who is a feng shui expert. He started asking about her company:

Q. What is current brand or expertise?
Q. What is your target audience?

Then the questions really turned to her:

Q. Where are you from?
Q. How did you get here?
Q. What key decisions did you make?

And most importantly Dick was an exquisite listener. He took a genuine interest in what she was saying, and asked questions in a very supportive, encouraging way. She really responded, and did some great thinking about herself, her life, and what her business means to her.

Out of that interaction came new insights, new ideas about why the business came to be, and what it could do for people.

It was a remarkable demonstration of how, even in front of a crowd of people, great listening opens the way for new thinking.

Paul Andrew

This afternoon I was talking with a new colleague who was telling me all about the things he’s done in his career. It was fascinating.

It occured to me partway through that we were engaged in a two person activity. It wasn’t just that he was willing and able to talk in such detail about his career, but also that I was interested in hearing it. This pairing up of energy, of attentiveness and engagement is what made the stories work.

I am reminded that as a listener I have a powerful role to play in a conversation. Rather than being a time for me to space out or consider my next sentence, my attentiveness can inspire the speaker, and make the conversation much richer.

So yes, listening matters for both the speaker and the listener.

Paul.

The website is live! We are very excited to start receiving visitors, as well as offering workshops. Paul and I have been working on this material for a few years now. For both of us, it proved to be tremendously useful when interacting with friends, family members, colleagues and even the occasional stranger who needed someone to talk to – somebody who would listen. We are currently scheduling workshops for the coming fall, checking with a variety of places that may be interested. If You might be interested in joining or hosting a workshop, please give one of us a call or send us an Email – our contact info is in the “About Us” page.

Woohoo! 🙂

– Eran